Battlefield

"Count your many blessings, name them one by one..."

I am so very thankful for all of the blessings in my life.  Yes, I have challenges, but I don't focus on what I don't have or don't get to do.  If you ask me how I am, I most likely will always "I'm fine" or "I'm good" and it is the truth for the following reasons:

1. I woke up today

2. I am able to talk to you, a person who cares enough about me to ask, and that's wonderful

3. I have a wonderful husband.

4. I got my daughter up today as well, gave her love, let the dog out, and checked on my chickens...all good things

5. I have a wonderful home

6. I have wonderful friends and family

7. I have most of my health and what I don't have is currently mostly managed with not too many medications or alterations in my schedule.

8.  My fridge and pantry are full and if they aren't I can easily replenish them.

9.  I am able to work on projects that make me happy

10.  Or watch TV

11. Or read a book

12. Or listen to a book

13. I have plenty of comfortable clothes to wear

14. and some nicer ones

The list can go on and on for all the reasons I'm doing well.  I choose mostly not to focus on the reasons I may not be doing well.

I am about to tell you something that I never EVER admit.  (family and close friends, here is your peek in and we will never speak of this ugliness again - I'm fine) This kidney failure nonsense is hard.  Its really freaking hard.  If you follow me into the ugly now, I promise by the end we'll be back to the good.  Continue at your own risk....

As my kidney function has declined I am smacked in the face daily with my own limitations and I know that despite my wishing that nothing has changed, it has. I am reminded when I have to take a break mowing the yard to recover, when I get a small cold and am knocked on my butt as if I have a nasty flu (we won't even talk about what an actual flu could do to me), when my feet are so swollen that I can't wear the cute shoes I want, or when day to day activities drain every bit of energy I have, the ugly starts to creep in and I'm faced with the idea that maybe I'm not fine.  I will do as much as I can while I can because I know there are things I did last year, like scout camp with Madelyn, that this year I physically cannot do. 

I cannot.  

Those words break my soul into pieces.  I can and will do anything...it takes me longer, it takes more breaks, it takes modified movements and timelines, but I can do most anything.  The things I have to admit I cannot do?  Those things slap me in my face and knock me down and beat me up even when I've accomplished 50 others, I don't give up that power easily.  Its hard.  I'm not too proud to ask for help but I try not to need it for things I know I am capable of because the time is coming when I am going to need more help than ever before.  Plus, if you don't use it you lose it; I will continue to push and not lose more than I have to.

Some days the guilt is so heavy on my shoulders that I'm confident I look shorter.  The guilt is from the worry I cause the people who love me.  None of them asked for this from me, and the waiting game is more brutal on them in some ways because I know how I feel and they always think I'm lying....I'm fine....but no really, I really and truly am in the grand scheme of things fine.  Some days it wins and some days all I can do is cry it away.  This precious, strong, sensitive, loving daughter I have the pleasure of raising, while she's had a blessed life, it hasn't been an easy one emotionally.  I am so afraid that this will break her rather than make her stronger, despite knowing her resiliency and strength the ugly lies to me when I am at my weakest.  Mom guilt, it's the worst.

A couple weeks ago I had a meltdown as the reality of a transplant hit me in the face and what it means for our family, especially now that we have uprooted and moved to a different state and I'm not yet listed locally (I'm working on it) and Chris is deployed and not with us, and I have a daughter, and chickens and a dog and a hamster and baby grass and and and...it all got a little overwhelming of how much my stupid disease will affect so many around me.  I know I am surrounded by people who love me and will take care of me and all of my craziness.  I know this, but some days the ugly wins and invades and makes it all feel like too much.

What keeps me moving forward? What keeps me fighting the ugly?  What keeps me pushing  and not allowing myself to just sit and be a blob?  There are so many I could list, but here's two at the top of that list:

 The loves of my life.

If you've made it this far, here's where we battle back from the ugly.  

I have a kidney disease.  It is a chronic disease but it is not a death sentence.  Not even close.

Even the worst case scenario allows me to continue to live and to sit on my porch and enjoy my blessings.  Maybe I will have a tube coming out of my belly and get to be plugged in and have my blood cleaned while I sleep (peritoneal dialysis)...um, not a big deal when I think of a plethora of other things that could go wrong.

Everyday I get to see, love, and be challenged by this bug and these darn kidneys aren't going take that away from me. 

I have so much to be thankful for and beyond this one little disease, I'm in decent health, so I really am fine...

...most days.

Proverbs 17:22 A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.